11/27/2021 thinking about yoshitomo nara & NEVER FORGET YOUR BEGINNER'S SPIRIT ... expected, almost warranted praise & that out-of-left-field, out-of-the-ballpark-entirely praise which leaves you schoolgirl-giddy are two very different things, and you only get the latter when you're new to A Thing and Very Amateur about it and you don't know the value of your own work outside of the inherent value it has by virtue of being your own

11/27/2021 childish wonder on the mind, i have an ambivalent relationship with being childish / being perceived as such. i'm brainweird and can't divorce childishness from sex & sexual appeal [RAISED EYEBROW EMOJI] which may be a testament to the ugliness of society or, a testament to the ugliness of the self. it's ingrained in my brain in some way, to be childish. my dad told me i wouldn't [QUOTE] actually [ENDQUOTE] be an adult until 25. i wish i got the respect that came with being "an adult" yet i can't divorce myself from being "a child" without being inauthentic.

12/17/2021 i burnt through 2 seasons of kaiji and im reading the manga now. it's so good.

12/23/2021 i'm always trying to find meaning in things, but it's hard. i haven't really been keeping in touch with anyone in real life either. they're all going to berkeley & partying & they actually have people to hang out on halloween w/. whenever i hang out w/ my friend after a long time i'm surprised at how much i struggle doing Normal Person Things like talking without stuttering or keeping a conversation going. i often feel like a different person. i hate my voice again!!!!! i don't know if i want it to be deeper or if i just want it to be More Comfortable. i often feel like i'm talking too loud, but i know i'm not, because people have a hard time hearing me, but when you're constantly trying to project your voice, it comes out weird and doesn't really sound like you. i really feel like i could only talk to one person without hating every inch of myself & if i'm mentally ill for that. well. that's okay. i think so.

02/10/2022 been listening to mlp soundtracks nonstop for several days while doing homework. quite literally keeps me sane (MOVE THIS TO MUSIC DIARY...)

11/28/2021 applied to UCs 6 days ago. UCLA/UCB/UCI/UCSD. largely on impulse & i didn't exactly choose schools w/ great acceptance rates (i'm really only counting on UCI/UCSD). despite the transfer acceptance rate for UCSD being 50% i still... my mom told me i'm "not a good investment", like i'm. an expired piece of meat. because i talked about going to the hospital. i get it: nobody wants to admit someone who solely defines themselves through their suffering, who Might Possibly Commit Suicide On Their Campus. but what the fuck are people on about? about Hey, it sucks that there's Stigma, but the cold, hard Truth is that Admissions Officers don't want to see (Pause.) "negative" things, like (Pause.) "mental illness". or whatever. i'm about this close to donning a "I HATE NORMAL PEOPLE" shirt. call me conceited. but i'm just as qualified for being at [UNIVERSITY EXPUNGED] as [NAME REDACTED] is. i know i'm capable. i just ... can't prove it. which doesn't count for much. i guess.

11/28/2021 note to self: stay off prestigious circlejerk websites while applying to colleges. don't compromise your integrity for anyone.

12/11/2021 YEP. I CAN JUST HOPE THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE IGNORES MY CRINGE / PRETENTIOUS / FREAKISHLY SELF-DISCLOSING PERSONAL ESSAYS. THEY ARE NOT HELPING MY CHANCES. THE SHAME IS CREEPING IN.

12/03/2021 i wish i had a great conception of love. as this pure great thing. that i have an unlimited capacity for. that i don't need in return. that i can just keep on loving & loving and i won't ever get tired of it. i do

12/03/2021 sometimes when i cry i want to tell people i am. despite how unnatural and disjointed it is to tell someone you're crying. why?????? even mention it. look at me. im not emotionless. im proving something.

02/09/2022 'with you its always whos the victim' ah... i may have a problem

12/01/2021 days that blur together. i had the most [i forgot the word to describe it] agonizing conversation with my mom last night (meaning, the night of 11/30, because it's just past midnight and that's why the date of this entry is like that, so from my perspective it's more like tonight, but i wrote last night anyway, because it feels so far away it might as well have been last night), which ended in me crying really loud in the car and laughing and leaving w/ my cheeks still hot and really just pretending that everything is fine.

12/03/2021 i think. theres something so insidious about parents simultaneously infantilizing and pushing adulthood onto their children. depending on what they want. when they want to control you, you're a kid. when they don't want obligation towards you, you're an adult.

12/11/2021 i talked to adri about mothers/intergenerational trauma yesterday and it was really nice. and cathartic. wow. maybe my relationship w/ my mother does predispose me to codependency. it's just... funny how i didn't notice this stuff before